A rather surreal experience today with some tart on 999 emergency operator services.

As I'm about to pedal off into town for some shopping I hear the dulcet tones of a burglar alarm going off. Turns out to be the property next door which is an old stately home-esque posh house that has been turned into offices. Being a trainee cop and a good samaritan I cycled over to take a butcher's and phoned 999. After the requisite fannying about while the switchboard in Nottingham put me through to my local force at a leisurely pace (I've often wondered if they speed this up in the event of someone cowering in the bathroom while hubby hacks at the door with an axe shrieking "HEERE'S JOHNNY!") I had the following rather odd conversation with some stubborn old cow.

Operator: "Can you see any signs of forced entry?"

Me: "No, but I'm facing the front, they could be coming in at the sides or the back".

Operator: "Is it a residential or business property?"

Me: "Business I think"

Operator: "How long has it been ringing?"

Me: "About 2 minutes, I rang you as soon as it went off"

Operator; "Ok, well we can't attend unless it's been ringing for at least 20 minutes and you've said that you can't see anyone so I'll give you another number of the local alarm security firm to call"

Me: "WHAT? I told you I'm at the front, they could have a transit van round the back piling it full of laptops"

Operator: "Yes, I appreciate your point but that's our policy and I need to keep this line free for GENUINE emergencies. Do you have a pen?"

Me: "NO! I pulled over on my bicycle to call you on my mobile"

Operator: "Oh, well I'll tell you the number, it's easy to remember"

Me: (After being told a number that is NOT easy to remember) "I'm NOT calling it, my conscience is clear because I've called you. If you don't want to call them that's your problem".

I hang up.

Amazing to think that if I invest in a burglar alarm the local bobbies will have to wait twenty minutes before attending. I've met local ASBOs that boast they can get into a flat and have the TV away in under 2 minutes.